Once I start I can't stop

I bought a 3x5in memo book at the store yesterday so that I could throw it in my lunch bag and actually keep track of what I was eating. One of the things I started doing was adding the time next to when I ate anything. So it looked something like this:

• 16oz Black Coffee (5cal)                     11am
• Special K Protein Shake (180cal)         Noon
• Clementine (35cal)                               3pm
• 33.8oz of water                                   1-5pm
• Salad (160cal)                                     5pm
• Diet coke (2cal)                                   5pm
• Cheese packet (100cal)                       6:15pm
• Clementine (35cal)                               7:30pm
• Special K bar (90cal)                           8pm
• 33.8oz of water                                    5:30 - 9pm
• Fruit roll-up (50cal)                              9:20pm
• Cheese packet (100cal)                       10:45pm
• Pickle  (5cal)

I wonder if I didn't get enough calories at lunch and  that's why I kept eating all evening long?  Part of it was boredom at work too...things were slow after about 6pm.

I'm a bit concerned because I have only eating about 760calories so far today.  I'm not really hungry at all, but I am going to get myself to eat a big bowl of special K on the next few hours so that I can make sure I finish the day over 1,200 calories.

Last minute, late night thoughts to start the new week

Previously my attempts at dieting were more a long the lines of "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I found myself wishing that I was anorexic or that I would get cancer or some other disease that me drop weight instantly. At some low points I even thought God hated me or that he was punishing me for the bad choices I had made by making me fat.

Somewhere along the line I realized that it was my choices that led to me putting on weight. I was a skinny kid. Yes, once puberty hit I was smacked with Kim K. worthy curves, but looking back at my old pictures, I wasn't fat. Instead it has been years of unhealthy eating, fueled by low self-esteem, leading to unhealthy eating that has my body in its current condition.

That's what these 7 weeks (1 down, six to go!) are about. It's not about the weight loss or about trying to morph into a Maxim hottie. It's about changing my way of thinking, about learning to give my body what it needs to run efficiently while giving my soul the love it deserves.

Which is why my theme for this time around is "slow and steady wins the race." It's about taking 7 weeks out of my life and reprogramming my brain and stomach. I was out running errands today and was slammed by the fact it was clearly dinner time and I started thinking about my options. Driving around none of the fast food options even sounded good, and I thought to myself, No fast food. Could you imagine what it would do for you? The choice seemed so simple today, yet unfathomable two weeks ago.

Even tonight while I was brushing my teeth I started doing the "pounds count" in my head. You know, the "at an average loss of 2 pounds per week" math. Or as granny says, counting my chickens before they're purchased. The "at the end of 7 weeks, I would lose 14 pounds" and then thinking about an event I have at the beginning of July, "then if I keep it up at home for two months that's another 16 pounds, which brings me down under 150lbs." Dangerous, dangerous thinking.

Thoughts like that are like planning where you'll place your Oscar when you've never started your screenplay. I was so happy that my follow up thought was "or it could be 7 weeks of healthy eating; seven weeks of training your body."

So, as I say good night, I just keep murmuring "slow and steady. Slow and steady."

Day Six: What? You actually wanted to read 3-5?

I have skimped on blogging a bit. But my diet has been almost exactly the same each day this week. So a quick recap of Mon - Fri, is about 1300 calories a day and only two days of exercise.

Bringing us back around to today, Saturday. This was my one day off this week and somehow between sleeping in and lazing around I slipped back into old habits. Black coffee and no food. This is a huge part of my problem, that I like to blame on my schedule but really falls under "general laziness" I will go hours and hours without eating and then gorge. So my body desperately holds onto all calories, because it's not sure when the next source of fuel will arrive.

Over the last five days I have been really good about eating about six times a day, and have been sticking to my list of snacks. Yes, I have had a peanut butter cup here and a cookie there, but I am proud of the fact that I acknowledged how many calories were in the treats and only ate one!

I hate feeling the warden of my own prison. Today I felt guilty because I ate bread. Instead of acknowledging that ordering the chicken noodle soup and fuji apple salad (eating around the pecans!) was a much healthier choice than my normal order or the fact that I only ate what I was hungry for, all I could focus on was the 1/4 - 1/8 of the roll that I ate.

I keep reminding myself that this is not about crashing down to my goal weight for bikini season but about changing my life. It's about learning to choose steamed veggies over potatoes and eventually, about eating one roll -- rather than the entire bread basket.

Day Two: Feats of Strength

Today I returned to my “normal” schedule of heading in at Noon and working until 10am. This means I again missed the continental breakfast at my hotel – no eggs for me. Overall I did well with food today:

Breakfast: Instant Maple & Brown Sugar Oatmeal, Weight Control (160cal)
16oz of coffee (20cal)
Lunch: Cobb 160Salad (280 cal)
Water!!
Dinner: 2 bowls of Special K (240cal)
Snacks: 4 string cheese (200cal)
Gala Apple (80cal)
Clementine (23cal)
Special K bar (80cal)
Beef Jerky (100cal)

But where I struggled was with candy. Let me start with the shopping trip. I needed some things for the evening training session, so I ran out to the drugstore. I picked up what I needed, including candy for my students – quickly passing all the yummy, yummy Easter candy– and made it out without snagging M&Ms or some other reward for myself.

But I wanted a soda. Caffeine will be the next beast I tackle, but for now I’m still drinking diet soda. So, I went through the drive through at Hardees’s because they have Diet Dr. Pepper. I was proud of myself, no fries, no snacks, no “well, I should just get something to tide me over.” I came back to my office and got ready for training. So skipping forward to where I broke down, once I opened the candy, it taunted me. Those smell from the little peanut butter cups get wafting up, triggering instant, “I need it and I need it now” signals in my brain. Eventually, I caved and ate two. This doesn’t sound all that bad until you realize they each have 44 calories, which means that for the 5 seconds of goodness, I could have had an apple or another Special K bar.

This is the hardest part of the change for me. As a “foodie” the idea of limiting what I eat, and taking the enjoyment out of my food kills me. Every time I say no to myself, I just keep thinking of a lifetime without the food I enjoy. I just have to keep reminding myself that eventually a healthy lifestyle can include indulgences here and there. Just that for now, I need to focus on rewiring my brain, belly and (taste) buds.

Finished the day with a flexibility yoga workout. Not nearly as many calories burned, but it was all my muscles could handle. Looks like total calories for the day was 1,271.

Day One: Shopping in Strange Stores

Today started off bad. Simply, bad. I woke up late and missed the hotel's breakfast. Since I just moved into the hotel last night, I had nothing with me. So instead I subsisted on black coffee until about 3pm, when I hit up the vending machines for a diet coke and some snackwell cookies. Here was my OMG moment of the day: the snackwell crème sandwich cookies have 240 calories! I didn’t even want to look further down at the carbs and other scary, scary numbers.

When I am at home, I kind of a grocery store snob. I love Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. Especially, TJ’s, because (a) it’s yummy, (b) if it’s not actually healthy, I feel like it’s healthy and (c) it’s cheap. Instead, I was confronted with a Kroger today. Not that I have anything against Kroger (especially when the only other grocery game in town is Wal-Mart). This weekend I drive about half-an-hour to the nearest City and check out the choices there.

As I wandered around the aisles, I couldn’t decide what to buy. Mostly because of my fantastic facilities, or lack thereof. So, here’s the situation, usually I stay in an extended-stay hotel which has a kitchenette. Unfortunately, when my company showed me my only extended-stay option, I was pretty sure that hostel I stayed at in Prague would be both cleaner and safer. So I chose to stay in a regular hotel suite, which means a mini-fridge and a microwave. My situation at work is worse, no refrigerator and no microwave.

Added together this means, I bought a mix of snack food for the house and pre-packaged salads for lunch. I’m curious to see how I do with this. I’m really afraid that this will leave me “starving” and I’ll give into the fast-food cravings.

Well here’s the breakdown of everything I ate today:

• 2x 8oz of black coffee (20cal)
• 16oz diet coke (1cal)
• Snackwell Crème Sandwich Cookies (240cal)
• Chicken Tenders meal from Kroger (~720cal)
• String Cheese (50cal)
• Beef Jerky (80cal)
• 7 strawberries (10cal)
• Jell-O Mouse Temptation (60cal)

I am looking at somewhere around 1,175 calories for the day. In terms of my workout, I did a 40min Power Yoga workout, which, according to the Glamour calculator, burned about 142 calories!

The Plan

Somewhere along the line I noticed that I have become fat.  Not gastric bypass fat, but enough that I no longer garner attention from men and large enough that my rather expensive work clothes don't fit.  Which means the first thing that I want to change is my weight.

Step One: Change what I eat
I like to blame my job/schedule for the way I eat.  Sometimes I like to blame my boyfriend for the way I eat.  What I never really look at is that fact that I am lazy and love the taste of things that aren't good for me.  I love, love, love bad carbs -- white sugar, white flour, etc.  Looking at my current height and weight, here are my current calorie intake numbers:

• Maintenance: 2422 Calories/day
• Fat Loss: 1937 Calories/day
• Extreme Fat Loss: 1453 Calories/day

My goal is about 1800 calories a day: three 500 calorie meals and two 150 calorie snacks.

Step Two: Change how I exercise
Right now my current exercise level is zero.  I try to trick myself into feeling better because I take the stairs (most of the time) and try to walk as much as possible.  However this is simply not enough. The plan is to get in 45minutes of exercise four times a week.  I'm a big yoga fan, so I have a feeling that I will balance 45minute treadmill runs with yoga workouts.

As I begin to get into a routine for the weight loss there are other things that I want to change, such as: being comfortable wearing my hair curly, taking better care of my skin, making sure I write for at least 30 minutes per day.  Hopefully, as the weight loss becomes routine, the other changes will follow.